People, we have a real problem here, and I’m going to need 110% from all of you to get back on track and in top-notch ship-shape. We need to start knocking some rocks together to get that spark. The collection plates are drying up and it’s shoving us in the red. And we need a solution STAT.

Right now our bottom line is lower than what Judas did to my ass in the garden and our profits are in a signed, sealed and delivered deal at the bottom of the holy toilet. We’re seeing decreased cash flow in the church plates, neighborhood kids who were once so terrified of my ass after hearing what I can and/or will do to them if they even so much as have an impure thought about their teachers are no longer sending us their loose change and lemonade stand profits. Man, that sucks and it really hurts the business. Damn – think I need to get Little Billy back on track and have him suffer a small “accident” on Read the rest of this entry »

YEEEEEEOOOOWWWW!!! GodDAMN it! Blast that Satan! He got me again! Pulling the old “lake of fire” trick when he knew damn well that I was planning the big “Second Coming of Me” today! Wow. Points for him, man. Totally didn’t see that one coming. You got me, Beezy, you got me…that’s a big, fat point for you, dude. You’d think Dad or Paul or that bastard Judas would give me a, “Psssst…hey! Savior! I saw Mr. Mephistopheles strolling around the rock garden with a flint in his hooves. Must be up to something. You know what a pyro that son of a bitch is…” ANYTHING to warn my ass but no, not a word from any of those blowhards. Goddamn, that’s hot. Roasting my tootsies! This shit hurts more than when those scumbags tacked my ass to that tree! SOMEONE GET MY HOLY ASS SOME BACITRACIN! STAT!!

And I shall lord over you, too, little bored puffer fish with hooded eyes. And I shall promise that you never end up next to a pile of loaves of bread, nor will that scumbag Peter ever snag you on his hook for I, too, know what it’s like to have a goddamned spike shoved through your body parts. And I will name you Nemo, and I will set you free so that you may never be found. Amen.

[Spring, after the first full moon, any year, any time.] Ahhh….thank god THAT’S over. Easter wipes me out, man…totally sucks that I have to go through all that drama again and again and again…I mean, really…when will it all stop? Hey, you people like to get all morose and pretend you’re martyrs like me by giving up chocolate or booze for Lent. Yeah, like THAT really is on par with what my ass went through. Posers. And then we have to go through the bullshit with the whole Last Supper shtick, and the holy grail garbage and “is that Mary Magdelene or John sitting next to me?” and all that other bologna. Look, we got together in the park, had a few laughs, ate some bread, told some fart jokes, got trashed on wine and Sambuca (bet you guys didn’t know that, eh?) and then – BOOM! – before I know it my drunk ass is arrested by some Roman dumbasses in really bad uniforms (note to Self: kick the shit out of Judas AGAIN for turning my ass in) and then being paraded all around town and people are throwing things at me…do you really think I want to relive that shit year after year? Read the rest of this entry »